Speak free

No More Babies!

The Queen, soldiers, puppies and kittens, Sex and the City, the Dalai Lama and Delia Smith: to this list can be added ’babies’ as subjects that cannot be criticised unless you want to end up as a social pariah. Well I am prepared to stick my head above the trenches and shout to the world ’No more babies - I have had enough of them!’

My resentment of the dribbling little screamers has reached breaking point with those nauseating Evian adverts! Look guys, when I have settled down after a hard days work with a glass of pinot grigio in one hand and about to tuck into a nice hot plate of carbonara the last thing I want to see is a gaggle of babies roller blading around, shoving their nappies in my face and giggling like maniacal serial killers. You advertising gurus think you are all so clever with your mobile telephones, your cars and your patent leather shoes but let me tell you that some of us do not find babies cute!

The last few months seem to have seen a surge in friends, family and neighbours having babies as well, probably due to the rubbish that’s on our televisions in the evenings. Here is an open message to those people: I am very happy for you, well done, but there is nothing that I would like less than for you to bring the rug rat over to my house: it may surprise you but I have no interest in how he has said his first word or how she can now toddle for five steps without falling over. I can go out on a Friday night, have a skinful of cider and when I come home I’m talking nonsense and falling over as well but I don’t go around boasting about it to everyone!

Don’t get me started on these bores who record every little thing that their baby does on their mobile phones - I don’t want to see the latest two hundred pictures of little Jack or Chloe, they all look exactly the same! To be completely honest I would rather drown myself in a vat of heating oil then look at another baby photo!

It’s impossible to get on a bus or go to a supermarket these days without being assualted by the ubiquitous sound of babies wailing and crying - there is no more grating sound known to mankind. Whatever happened to the adage ’children should be seen and not heard’? The world was a better, and quieter, place in those halcyon days!

I am not against babies per se, I just have no interest in seeing or hearing or smelling them myself! And before you ask, no I don’t have any children because I am too busy concentrating on looking after myself to waste my time and effort on a little spewing and poohing machine! Rant over, I’m off to watch the sports channel - but if those Evian babies roll their way across my screen again then my foot will be making imminent contact with the television screen!