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Am I A Celebrity Yet?

Celebrity Big Brother. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Celebrity Ice Skating. Celebrity Mr & Mrs. Celebrity Opera Singing. Celebrity Euthenasia. Unfortunately only the last one is made up, the others forming a seemingly endless stream of cheap programming sucking leech-like upon our insatiable desire for celebrity. And the single most annoying thing about these identikit shows is that the vast majority of contestants are not celebrities at all.

Back in the mists of time celebrities were people who had earned the public affection: international footballers, rock ’n’ roll legends, comedians and actors who have spent years entertaining people at the top of their profession. The motley crew who clog up our television screens now are lucky to be called z-list, in fact they are lucky to be on any list other than the one at the unemployment benefits office.

Let me give a few examples: the current series of Celebrity Big Brother has included such household names as Sisqo, Katia Ivanova, Lady Sovereign, Nicola T and Alex Reid. People who are so little known that their own families probably asked ’who is that muppet?’ when they saw them mumbling and stumbling around live on camera. Sisqo had one hit, the irritating novelty ’The Thong Song’, in 1999 and it only reached number three. There have been literally thousands of more successful acts since then, but presumably they all turned the show down. Talking of less successful acts we have Lady Sovereign! The only similarity between her and a real celebrity is that her name starts with ’Lady’ but any other likeness is completely gaga: her last two ’hits’ have reached the lofty heights of numbers 38 and 88 in the charts.

Perhaps the most worrying trend is exemplified by the inclusion of Katia and Alex, as well as Jo Wood in Strictly Come Dancing: the elevation to ’celebrity’ status of somebody who has slept with a star. If that is a true indication of modern day fame then Russell Brand must have come across hundreds of celebrities in a typical year.

The worst thing about these non-celeb celebrities is that they have nothing to say. They are invariably incoherent, self absorbed and boring, boring, boring. I was once interviewed on a TV programme about an upcoming football match, I stood on the plinth in Trafalgar Square, I make a living out of entertaining people with my fantastic writing and my dog once jumped in Jack Charlton’s fishpond. By current standards that surely makes me a celebrity! I am expecting my invite to appear on your inane programmes any day now, TV producers. Please be aware however that I will only eat witchetty grubs if it is artistically necessary and I receive payment in cash rather than food tokens!

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