Speak free

Dog Poo Wars

What is it with dogs and their owners? Not everyone, and come on now, it’s not their fault that their bums are too small to fit on a standard toilet seat (come to think of it, there may be hygiene issues even if your dog’s big bottom can fit on a toilet seat). No, there’s a lady down the road from me who always goes out with doggy-bags, but there are also a few (thousand) who are waging dog-poo-war against the rest of humanity. One such incident happened to me last week. I took a stand and it sort of back-fired.

I was walking down my street in the dark with a plant pot. I do like a good plant-pot me. The aim was to return it to my neighbour at the top of the road. But, as I neared the top of the road I saw something: a posh lady I had once seen allowing her dog to soil the ground around the corner. Right, I thought, I shall follow her–I have a feeling she may be about to repeat offend.

So I did. I followed. And, just as I suspected the bitch (the female dog, I mean) stopped and squatted and did her business. “Hey you bitch–and you, woman!” I called, rushing up to her. She looked at me all flabbergasted, as posh people have a special way of doing, and said, “What is it?”

“What is it?” I repeated.

She stared at me hard enough to crush my eyelids. “That bitch!” I said, pointing ambiguously. “She is it.”

“Gosh,” said the woman, turning away. “Are you dumb as well as working-class?”

This infuriated me. I have no problem with being called dumb normally, but the way she said “working-class” was extremely hostile. With that I said, “You stop or I’ll call the dog-poo Police!” she stopped, stepped back towards the mess, and squatted down. Then she picked up the much with her BARE HAND and shoved it in my favourite plant pot.

So my point is this: if you are going to pick a fight with a posh woman and her bitch, do so when not holding one of your dearest possessions–