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Terrible Idea

I was a boy, aged eight, when I first discovered that hallowed thing called Branston Pickle. I fell in love with it immediately and soon it became something I could not and would never live without. Once I’d got over the fact that it was poo brown and smelt funny like how I wasn’t used to, I mean.

It was a fantastic era, that honeymoon Branston Pickle period. Days, long, beautiful, glorious days, were spent marveling at the way you could pile loads of it up on a cracker and how much you could shove in your mouth all at once, or even sometimes integrating them into chicken recipes and the like. Then, one day, as I knew it would happen because people just can’t leave a bloody good thing alone, it happened. It had to, didn’t it? Some moron thought I know, why don’t we make it with smaller chunks? That’s a really smart idea. Oh, how I cried myself to sleep. This was more than a tragedy. This was an insult to millions like me! But what could I do? On my own I was useless. One man against a mammoth corporation, merely a fly in the ointment of Branston’s massive pickle-making machine. And this was only three weeks ago as well, so I had a lot of other things to do which unfortunately had to take priority over forming an army of people who detested the new small chunk Branston Pickle. Which is not the way it ought to be, of course. It should be the opposite!

It’s terrifying to think that people exist who have never tasted the original pickle and who will no doubt think that this ’progression'is somehow good. It’s terrible! To think of them all tucking in to their cheese and crackers and believing that this awful second-rate replacement is actually worth eating!